Layer by Layer: What Formed Between Us

#IWD2026 | #GiveToGain | #GirlPowerEffect | #WomensVoices #Reciprocity | #Becoming | #GrowTogether

Not everything meaningful begins as something whole.

Some things take shape over time — through friction, through care, and often through moments we don’t yet understand.

The experiences that shape us can be understood as layers. They are formed slowly — in relation. Not in isolation, but through what surrounds us. Through who walks alongside us.

This is more than a story about mentorship.

It’s about what can form between people when roles don’t confine the relationship — when growth is mutual, accountability is shared, and connection is chosen, again and again, without requiring sameness.

Let’s not try to capture ten years all at once.

Let’s just start here.

We didn’t know it then, but those early moments were setting the foundation for something neither of us had language for yet.

Rachelle: When I think about the beginning of us… I smile real big because I had no idea we’d be standing here today in the way in which we are — and I’m not sure I could be more grateful.

We kind of have two beginnings.

The first started when you joined my classroom space. You were entering an established group, and I remember being curious about you from the beginning. You were this tiny, quiet-seeming woman with what felt like an element of spice to ya... Like there was something significant there, just waiting for the right moment to show itself...

And then I saw it — when you stood on a desk in protest of an injustice we were learning about. That moment stayed with me.

The second beginning came later, when I stepped into the redevelopment of the mental health program and you were preparing to graduate. You had already grown so much — but looking back now, I can see that growth was only the beginning of something much bigger.

I didn’t know… couldn’t know then what we’d build together. Or how much we’d ask of each other.

Who was I then?

I was a practitioner who educated. Someone who believed deeply that people are capable of more than they often see in themselves — and I felt it was my role to hold that vision until they could see it too. I knew I expected a lot from people. But not because I expected too much — because I could see something in them that hadn’t fully surfaced yet. And I cared deeply about what it meant to walk alongside someone in that process.

Toni: What stands out most to me is how, through all the ebbs and flows of life, we’ve managed to maintain a positive friendship that has been evolving for several years. We’ve felt comfortable challenging each other where necessary but also knowing when to give space.

Who was I then? Honestly — just a young kiddo (adult) who didn’t really know who I was or what I wanted.

Thinking back to our earlier time together, I felt most uncomfortable when you challenged me to do things that were outside of my comfort zone, naturally. I wanted to stick to what I knew, what was safe. But you wouldn’t allow that (thankfully). You pushed me to pursue new ideas, develop plans I thought I didn’t have the skill for, and put myself in front of people that felt much bigger than me.

To be honest, a couple times it felt like it was too much. Too much responsibility when I already had so much going on. But something didn’t let me retreat. I stayed because something beyond my insecurities kept me where I needed to be. I knew I needed you in that moment — to learn, grow and become the person I am today.

Growth didn’t happen because it was easy. It happened because neither of us chose to step away when it may have been simpler to.

Rachelle: Something I’ve always appreciated about how you show up is… You are real. And your particular brand of realness allows you to meet people where they are — you show up in a way that doesn’t ask people to be anything other than themselves and the way you do this is unique to you. I’ve learned a lot from you over the years observing how you co-exist with people. You have your own way of connecting with others that is really special. 

You’ve always found your way to showing up — even when it’s uncomfortable. Even when you’re being stretched beyond what you maybe thought you could handle. ‘Confrontation’ was a tricky one for you and I noticed that you just needed to connect to how you hold these challenging moments with others — in a way that didn’t pull you away from who you are and how you share space with others. 

The side of this you likely didn’t know or see is that I watched you develop this skill and care for others — in your own way. You used your unique brand of humor (*almost as funny as mine, hahaha) and your unique gifts to hold those challenging moments within relationship. And you did this in a way that made sense to how I do things — but in a different way than I do and I thought that was really cool.

It was moments like this that I knew there was something very special about you and that you would be an amazing leader. The kind that walks alongside people — no hierarchy. Important roles and responsibilities, yes, but always as a team. In a way that demonstrates for others that it’s totally okay (and preferred) to do things in one's own way. That we don’t need to mirror and become the people who train and provide us with mentorship. That we can and should step into new things with the uniqueness of self intact and celebrated.

Toni: That's funny because we responded in the same way! I also said that you’re real. You call things out for what they are, but in a gentle way that reminds people that they can make mistakes and still feel appreciated.

And that’s been consistent throughout the entirety of our professional/personal relationship. 

At times, your approach was difficult in the sense that I wasn’t used to people being gentle with me  — with challenges, feedback, etc. I wasn’t used to receiving it without some type of stab. So when the feedback came and there wasn’t a jab at the end, it didn’t make sense to me. It didn’t make sense that someone could be kind with their feedback or confrontation and didn’t feel the need to tear me down in the process. It was invigorating once I accepted that I was more valuable than I was led to believe.

Of everything you challenged me with — I’d have to say the biggest one…

Confrontation.

If there was anything that I struggled with the most, it was that. But over time I realized that confrontation isn’t a negative, when you deliver it the right way. It’s care, it’s empathy, it’s believing and trusting that the person you’re speaking to is capable of more than what they are delivering. This shifted my thought process and allowed me to look at this through a new lens.

There are moments that test the work. And then there are moments that test the relationship within the work.

There was a period where the systems around us didn’t just make the work harder — they revealed what we were up against. At times, that meant confronting racialized dynamics that were not always named, but were felt clearly.

Standing up to those realities came with consequence.

We both had to make decisions about what we were willing to stand for — and how.

Not always in the same way. Not always in ways that were visible to others.

But in ways that required trust.

Rachelle: There was a time where I was navigating racial targeting for standing in opposition to things that didn’t sit right — things that impacted not just me, but those we were responsible to. What made that time different wasn’t just what I was experiencing — but how I needed to be in relationship with you within it. It clarified a lot — not just about the system we were in, but about who people chose to be within them.

I couldn’t show up in the same way I had before. And I couldn’t ask you to either.

There were moments where action, on my part, wasn’t always possible in the ways I was used to. Moments where being direct would have come at a cost — not just to me, but to the work itself.

And in those moments, I had to trust you to move in ways I couldn’t.

To see what was happening — without everything being said out loud. To advocate for people in real time, in ways that protected them from harm. To navigate conversations carefully — sometimes redirecting, sometimes naming just enough — so things didn’t go unchallenged. And at times, to hold what was happening to me in those same spaces, without making it the center.

That required a different kind of trust.

Not directive. Not always visible. But deeply felt.

And honestly, it also required me to let go of control in ways I hadn’t before.

To accept that leadership was broader than I had understood. Sometimes it meant stepping back — or to the side — and trusting what we had built enough to know you would hold what needed to be held.

And you did.

Toni: There was a period where things felt different, even if I didn’t have full language for it at the time. I could sense that what was happening around us wasn’t just challenging — it was layered. And I could see that it was affecting you in ways that weren’t always being acknowledged out loud.

From where I stood, I knew I didn’t have the same role or authority. But I also knew that how I showed up in those moments mattered. There were conversations where I had to think carefully about what needed to be said — and how.

When to speak directly. When to shift the focus back to the people I was advocating alongside.

When to interrupt something subtly so it didn’t continue in the same way.

And there were moments where I was also paying attention to what was happening to you in those spaces — without making it more visible or putting you in a harder position.

I didn’t always know if I was getting it right. But I was clear that doing nothing wasn’t an option.

What grounded me was what I had learned from you over time — not just in what you said, but in how you moved. That showing up with integrity sometimes means being quiet but intentional. That not everything needs to be called out loudly to be challenged. And that protecting the space for people sometimes requires paying attention to everything happening within it.

I don’t think we named it at the time, but there was a kind of understanding there. That we were both holding something. Just in different ways.

What began as mentorship didn’t disappear. It transformed. The roles didn’t dissolve. They simply became less central to how we showed up with one another.

Rachelle: One way I’ve changed in our relationship over time is… You’ve taught me to center what someone else needs in a way that goes beyond what I thought I understood about mentorship. I’ve worked with many learners. I’ve supervised practitioners. I’ve been in mentorship relationships on both sides. But this one required something different from me.

There were moments where I had to step out of what I knew how to do well — to guide, to ‘direct’, to hold the bigger picture — and instead listen in a way that made space for how you were seeing, experiencing, and responding to things. Not as a learner or mentee. But as someone holding responsibility alongside me.

That shift didn’t happen all at once.

It showed up in the ways you began moving through situations — making decisions in real time that were grounded in what you knew mattered. There were moments where you would step in, redirect, or hold something in a way that protected the people and the integrity of the space — and then come back to me after. To make sure I knew what was happening. To name what you were seeing.

To flag what you were seeing take shape — before it had the chance to solidify into something more harmful. And I came to understand that those moments weren’t separate from the work we had been doing — they were a continuation of it.

You weren’t looking to me for direction.

Because you were acting in alignment.

And what that required of me wasn’t to step back from mentorship — but to recognize that what we had built together was now being carried, extended, and protected in ways I didn’t need to initiate.

It required trust.

Not just in you. But in the relationship itself.

Toni: Looking back on it, I think I picked up on the shift almost right away, but couldn’t possibly understand just how much you were impacted. But I felt the energy change, I felt that things were moving in a way that wasn’t aligned. And I knew that I had to be careful in how I moved. I had to make sure I wasn't expecting too much or offering too little. That sometimes it was just presence and listening that mattered most.

It was advocating in moments that others may not have. And while that put pressure on me, I knew that there wasn’t an option to choose between what was right and what was easy. So I pushed back, I called out, and ultimately this affected the course of my life in ways I didn't expect.

And that’s ok. I’m ok with that outcome and I'm ok with the fact that people didn’t like what I had to say. Because at the end of the day I know that I'm going to sleep having done what was right.

There are a few moments that I can pinpoint that would have been easy to react to. But I knew that it wasn’t the time or place. It wasn’t about me. I knew that I needed to be strong in those moments, just as you had done for me countless times before. I was there to absorb, to hold those feelings, and to take some of that away so you weren’t left carrying it alone.

What exists now isn’t defined by roles. It was shaped through them.

Rachelle: Right now, today, I experience us as… Something that doesn’t need to be named in one way to be understood.

You are my friend. My colleague. And in many ways, my teacher.

Not in a way that replaces what came before — but in a way that exists alongside it.

There are things I’ve come to understand about myself — about how I show up, how I listen, how I stay in relationship — that have been shaped by you. And I don’t think that always gets seen or said.

What we have isn’t something that has stayed fixed.

It’s shifted. Expanded. Re-formed over time.

There have been stretches where we’re in close proximity — working, building, navigating things side by side. And there are stretches where there’s more distance. But even then, there’s a consistency in how we find our way back into conversation. Back into alignment. Back into connection.

It doesn’t feel forced.

It just is.

And that, to me, is a beautiful gift.

Toni: Right now, today, I experience us as something steady in motion — quietly evolving, but never uncertain in its foundation.

My relationship with you feels like a place where I’ve been stretched beyond what felt safe, yet never made to feel small. A space where challenge and care exist side by side — and always have.

What stays consistent between us, even with time and distance, is the way we return.

To understanding. To honesty. To something that doesn’t need to be rebuilt, only re-entered.

What doesn’t need to be explained anymore is the core of it. There’s an unspoken knowing in how we move with each other — when to push, when to hold, when to simply be present.

And I continue to choose this relationship because of what it’s shaped in me. It’s taught me that growth can feel uncomfortable and still be rooted in care. That being challenged can also mean being believed in. And that doing what’s right isn’t always easy — but it’s always worth it.

What was forged in trust and care carries forward. Alive in how we show up for each other and for others.

When people look at a pearl, they often see something finished. Smooth. Complete.

They don’t always see what it took to form it — the layers, the time, the care, the response to circumstances that weren’t simple, but that we navigated together.

But even that isn’t the whole story.

Because what shaped us was never just the moments themselves. It was everything surrounding them — the conversations, the challenges, the trust, the space to grow and to return. The ways we held one another accountable to who we were becoming.

If these moments are the pearls, then the connection between us — each conversation, each stretch, each act of showing up — is the thread that holds our meaning together.

What we built was never one-sided.

And it continues to be.

Prepared by Toni Fulkerson

Indigenous Social Work Student, Laurentian University